Dying to Love Read online

  “Dev told us what happened last night,” Oliver tells me quietly as he pours me a mug of coffee and hands it to me. “You all know how I struggled with anxiety when I was younger so I have some insight on what’s happening with her. Kelsey is holding on by some very frayed threads.”

  He hits each of us with a look. “Let’s not play games here. We all want her already, even you Dev.” He says when the man scoffs. “Don’t try and lie, you know I can see through your shit. If we want something more with her, we need to help fix her. That means pushing food on her whenever we can to help heal her body and making sure she sleeps.” He nails Dev with a hard look. “No more winding her up and pushing her.”

  “Ha! You might know a lot, O, but have you noticed she has no problem pushing me right back? Wrapped up inside all those broken pieces is a firecracker that pops out when I push.”

  “Not when you push, when you’re a dick, there’s a difference,” Oliver snaps back.

  Before Dev has a chance to reply we all freeze when Kelsey’s furious voice screams.

  “FUCK! Snookie!”

  The camper shakes as she stomps and her door flies open and she rushes through, flying down the three short steps to the door. Just as she reaches for the handle to open it she freezes and her head turns slowly to track all of us staring at her.

  Her mouth opens in surprise and her face goes bright red as she stammers out, “Ch-chicken.”

  And then she’s out the door and gone. We all exchange surprised looks and then as one we rush to the door to see what’s going on. We line up beside each other on the patio and watch as Kelsey, wearing nothing but a thin, short white tank top with skinny straps and a pair of white booty shorts - zigs and zags as she chases a flapping, squawking chicken. Her mass of hair is down, looking wild and tangled and when the sun hits her we all see straight through the sheer white fabric. Sweet Lord, she’s not … wearing … anything … underneath. It’s mesmerizing as she moves and … bounces in all the right ways and I secretly cheer the chicken on. When she finally wrangles the thing and scoops it up to her chest we hear her scold it.

  “Bad! Bad, Snookie!”

  She turns and manages two angry stomps in our direction when she catches sight of us lined up watching her and she freezes again. I can’t stop the wide grin that fills my face.

  “Yup, we’re totally fucking goners,” I say.

  “All the way down the rabbit hole,” Oliver states in his cool voice.

  “Balls deep.” Grayson laughs.

  “Well fuck me sideways,” mutters Dev.

  I didn’t think she could hear us from where she is but I forgot how far sound travels now in this quiet world so when her brow furrows and she shakes her head just the tiniest bit I feel my grin slipping. When she takes off running toward the cavern with the chicken clutched to her chest, I curse and spin away, rush into the camper and snag the hoodie I was wearing last night and her rubber boots and then tear after her.

  I slow my steps as I reach the cavern’s entrance and I hear her talking.

  “You can’t do that! We can’t do that anymore, girls. Embarrassment with a capital E has re-entered our lives. There are witnesses, wit-ness-es to how we behave now. The crazy train of before needs to put the brakes on and come to a stop. You heard them, Snookie. Linc said they’re goners and Oliver thinks they fell down the rabbit hole and that means I’m the Mad Hatter! We can’t keep acting crazy like that or they’re going to leave us. Do you want that? Do you want to go back to the two hundred days? Because that was some dark shit we almost didn’t make it through.”

  Crap, she totally took our commentary the wrong way. I can’t let her think that so I step in and call her name but it comes out slightly strangled when I spot her down on her knees with her sweet peach ass in the air as she works on fixing the small hole in the chicken wire near the ground. My cock stands all the way up at the sight before me.

  “Kel-sey?”

  She glances over her shoulder and frowns at me before going back to work so I stride over to her and gently lift her to her bare feet.

  “Hey, hey, let me do that. Here, I brought you these.”

  I hold out the hoodie and her boots and she looks at them like she doesn’t know what to do with them for a second but then glances down at herself and gasps. She snatches the hoodie from me with wide embarrassed eyes and clutches it against her chest like she’s naked and really, the tiny outfit she’s wearing is probably even sexier than if she was naked. I turn away so she can get the hoodie on without me embarrassing her even more and feel her yank the boots from my hand so I turn back. She launches into her pitch once she pulls the boots on.

  “So, um, listen. I know I can come off a little deranged sometimes but …”

  I can’t. I just can’t wait. Before I even realize it, I’m holding the front of the hoodie she’s now wearing in my fist and yanking her against me. Her head tilts back in surprise, making it perfect for my lips to crash down on hers. At first, she’s completely still from the shock of it but then her hands come up and ball into fists in my t-shirt to give her the leverage she needs to get up on her toes and pull me closer. When her lips part to give me access I almost moan at how sweet her mouth and tongue are. My hands drop to her hips and tighten, causing her to make the sexiest little noise and I can’t resist sliding my fingers around to cup her perfect round ass and pull her against me. She’s pressed against the hard length that’s straining against the sweatpants I slept in. She needs to feel just how much I want her. She moans at the contact and I’m so ready to find the nearest wall to pin her to and take this to the next level when …

  “Your chickens are escaping again and breakfast is ready.”

  I groan at Oliver’s bad fucking timing as she breaks the kiss and pulls back to look down with a frown. A gasp of outrage blows out of her.

  “Damn it, J-Wow, Cardi! What did I just say?”

  I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing and move her back from me. She sways a little bit on her feet and then a blush creeps up her cheeks and her eyes start darting in every direction like she’s looking for the quickest escape route. I lean down and gently cup her chin, forcing her to meet my eyes.

  “We aren’t going anywhere and all of us have bought our first-class tickets on your crazy train and we are all aboard for the ride.” I kiss her lips softly and then pull away. “I’ll take care of the chickens. Go with Oliver so you can get dressed and eat the breakfast Grayson made for you.”

  She blinks at me with dazed eyes but doesn’t resist when Oliver takes her hand and tugs her away and out of the cavern. I breathe deep and readjust myself in my pants before looking down at the two free birds.

  “All right, ladies, let’s come to an agreement.”

  Kelsey

  Oliver pulls me along in my dazed state. I can’t believe Linc kissed me. I can’t believe I kissed him back! Oh my god, what a kiss too. What the hell is wrong with me? His hands on my ass and me pressed up against some serious weaponry in his pants had me moaning like a complete hussy. If Oliver hadn’t interrupted, I probably would have … Oliver! Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck! I groan out loud causing him to look my way so I pull on our hands to make him stop.

  “Oliver, I am so sorry. I didn’t … that wasn’t … fuck. I’m sorry.” I fumble out. Best apology … ever. Argh!

  A small smile tugs at his lips as he pulls me by the shoulders to face him.

  “Kelsey, you have nothing to apologize for. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He tells me in his serious voice.

  “But … but yesterday … in the greenhouse …”

  He cuts me off. “Can you trust me when I tell you that it’s ok? That whatever you do with any of us, is ok?”

  I kind of melt at how sweet he is for letting me off the hook but then the rest of his words hit home and my eyes pop wide. Any of them? As in …

  Now his lips do curve up into a smile and he runs his hand down my arm and threads his fingers through mine, tuggi
ng on it to get me walking again. “Come on, let’s get you your breakfast. There’s plenty of time to figure other stuff out.”

  I let him pull me along again because my brain is in overdrive picking apart what he just alluded to. But did he? NO, right? He couldn’t have meant that how I took it. He must have meant if I end up with one of them. One, Uno, sing-u-lar. Ok, that makes more sense. Tara bops along beside me and mimics drinking from a straw until her cheeks suck in.

  “Who’s a thirsty girl? You totally pictured taking them all on when he said that, didn’t you?” She asks with a manic, gleeful expression. “Oh my god, do it! That would be the epic level of whoredom. You lucky fucking bitch! I’m so jelly.”

  I turn my head to look at her so Oliver won’t see and mouth a hard “NO”, then flick my fingers to tell her to go away. I can’t deal with any of this before coffee and maybe a shot of something stronger too. Oliver opens the screen door and I step up into the camper where he again guides me to a chair at the dining table and nudges me down into it. There’s a plate in front of me with a stack of three pancakes and a side of scrambled eggs. I frown down at it wondering about his constant need to see me eat. I usually stick with half a pot of coffee and don’t eat until sometime in the afternoon. I lift my head to ask for a cup but he’s already placing one down in front of me so I just give him a tiny smile in thanks and reach for it. I sit and sip at it, keeping my eyes on the dark brew as Oliver sits beside me and Grayson and Dev take the seats on the other side. That’s when I remember the crazy half-naked chicken chase and feel my face going red in embarrassment.

  “I hope you like pancakes and you don’t mind that I raided your pantry. I wanted to repay you for cooking for us last night.” Grayson says.

  Still dying of mortification here so I just keep my head down and murmur, “Help yourself to anything. Seriously, nothing’s off limits.”

  My head shoots up when Dev chokes on a laugh and I frown at him until he raises his eyebrows and his gaze dips down my body and I realize how my words could have been misconstrued. My eyes squeeze shut for half a second on yet another idiotic moment I’ve provided and I almost drop my coffee in my hurry to set it down as I jump to my feet.

  “Help yourself to any of the food or supplies is what I meant. Um, I’m going to go get dressed. Thank you for breakfast, Grayson.” I rush out as I spin away to run to my room. I hear Grayson say, “But you didn’t eat anything.” And Oliver snaps, “Damn it, Dev!” Before I get my door closed. I throw myself onto the bed, boots and all, and wonder if I can ask the gods for a do-over on this day. Maybe I can just hide out here in my room and leave them to their own devices. I hear the screen door slam closed and then Linc asking where I am. After that it’s just the low rumbling of their voices and I can’t make out any words. Probably for the best. I don’t need to know what they’re thinking about me right now.

  I sigh and toss my head against the mattress. It doesn’t matter what they think of me. There’s shit that needs to be done today. I have to check on Gavin and give him his next shot. I topped him up around five this morning before coming back to bed but he’s going to be due pretty soon. I should also try and clean him up a bit. Even though I know he won’t be with us for much longer, he’s still a human and deserves to keep his dignity whether he’s aware of it or not. I still have to show them around the place, get them cell phones and then there’s the chicken pen that needs to be mucked out. After that, I have to harvest all the ripe tomatoes, peppers, garlic, and onions, process them into sauces and salsas, and start canning. Shit! The eggs are still in the dehydrators. I’m going to have to compost that whole batch. What a waste! So as much as I want to cower in here to avoid any more idiotic episodes, can’t - shit to do.

  I roll off the bed and check the temperature gauge outside my window and make a face at how warm it already is. It’s going to be a hot one today and I’m going to be out in the gardens and in the kitchen cooking and canning so I search my drawers for an outfit that won’t have me overheating and come up with cut-off jean shorts and a blousy, billowy tube top that won’t stick to me once I start sweating, and my favorite low red chucks. Dressed, I creep out of my room and duck into the bathroom without being seen. Oh yeah, brave zombie slayer can’t face a few guys, that’s me. Teeth, face, hair up in a messy bun to keep it out of the way and I have no reason left not to leave.

  I give myself a stern look in the mirror, bare my teeth and tell myself, “Don’t be weird. Be normal!”

  My face falls in my reflection and I shrug. It is what it is.

  All four of them are still in the camper when I come down and they all look at me and their hungry gazes travel down to my bare legs. I ignore this because I. AM. Normal. And guys will always look at legs in shorts. Someone has wrapped up my breakfast plate with plastic wrap and left it on the counter. Sweet, but I reach past it for a travel mug and dump the last of the coffee pot in it. The two swallows I got earlier wasn’t nearly enough and they can make another pot if they want. Coffee, mine! I take a really big gulp even though it burns a bit, square my shoulders and channel all the normal-ness I have as I turn to face them.

  “Ok, stuff to do today. Gavin first. After that I need to show you guys around and where everything is. Hook you up with cell phones and walk you through the system or what I know of the system for the fence alarms and such. Chicken pen cleanout. Harvest some of the garden, process, cook and can it all. Then I was thinking of chicken tacos for supper. You guys good with that?”

  Linc gets to his feet and smiles with a nod. “Yes, ma’am. You tell us what to do and we’ll get it done.”

  “Oh! I didn’t mean you all …”

  “Kells, you need to let us pull our own weight. You don’t have to do everything yourself anymore, remember?”

  I am normal. Normal is letting others help with the load so I beam a smile back. “Yes, of course.” Then a little devil whispers in my ear so I turn to Devin and my smile turns a little evil. “Devin, you don’t mind mucking out the chicken pen, do you? Their shit makes for good fertilizer.”

  He stares back at me and I see him run his tongue over his teeth as his head starts to nod the tiniest bit and then he laughs. “Well played, Princess. Well played.”

  A giggle slips out of me at his reaction but I clamp my lips together because I’m not the type of girl to giggle and turn to the others. “Ok, give me a few minutes to tend to Gavin and then we’ll start with that tour,” I tell them as I reach for a drawer in the island.

  “I’ll go with you. You shouldn’t be alone with him now.” Linc tells me.

  I pull a sheathed knife from the drawer and hold it up for him to see before clipping it to my waistband. “I do know how to use this, you know. I’ll be perfectly fine on my own.”

  Linc sends me a humoring smile and just says, “No.”

  I make a sour face but shrug and move for the door. “Ok, meet us outside in ten, guys.”

  Linc follows me to the men’s camper and up into it. I pause at the closed bedroom door and knock. When I don’t hear any thumps from inside I ease it open but Linc pulls me back and takes my place to be the first one in. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see Gavin still on the bed but then gasp in surprise. The sheets have been changed and there’s a garbage bag laid out under the towel that is cradling his hips.

  “Someone cleaned him up? That was on my list for this morning.”

  “Oliver and I did. You don’t have to do that. You’re doing enough.”

  I hum in disagreement but leave it alone as I change out his IV and port another dose of morphine. I palpitate his neck and jaw but he’s just gotten stiffer and I can hear a slight wheeze as he breathes, meaning it’s getting harder for him to pull air in. I slump down to sit beside him and pick up his hand and just hold it as I stare sadly at him.

  “You don’t have to be sad, Kells. You don’t even know him. None of us did.”

  I shake my head. “And that’s what makes this even sadder. He doesn’t have an
yone who loves him to be sad that he’s dying. To mourn and miss him. Everyone deserves that so I’ll hold his hand and be sad that I can’t save him. It’s the least I can do.”

  I can feel Linc’s gaze on me but I just stay focused on Gavin so he comes around the bed, stands behind me, and puts his hands on my bare shoulders.

  “Then I’ll be sad with you.”

  Kelsey

  We sit with Gavin for a while until I feel ready to set his hand down and then we go out and meet up with the others. I take them through the gardens, naming everything that I have growing and pointing out the rows that will need to be harvested today.

  “I staggered the starters so that everything wouldn’t come ripe at the same time. Way too much work to do all at once.” I tell them.

  Oliver leans down and picks a ripe red tomato. “Why did you plant so much when it was just you here?”

  I tilt my head while thinking on that and chew on my bottom lip but when he looks up at me he nods knowingly and answers his own question.

  “It’s because that’s what was in Tommy and Ryan’s master plan and there’s an awful lot of hours in the day that needed to be filled, right?”

  I blink quickly to keep the tears at bay and give a tiny nod. He stands and threads his fingers through mine and pulls me along the path between rows.

  “You did an amazing job, Kelsey. They would have been proud of you.”

  I swallow hard, trying to keep the sob that wants to break free down.