Dying to Love Read online

  Linc

  Ihold my breath and wait to see what Kelsey will do with Dev. As much as I love the guy and would lay down my life for him, right now I want to punch him right in the face for being such a dick. Not only for ruining any chance we had to be invited into what I think is a solid and thriving community but also for putting that look on Kelsey’s face. The deep sadness I can see in her eyes just sucker-punched me right in the gut and I wish I could pull her into my arms and make it go away. I barely know her but I’m already dying to find out more. Not just because she’s a walking wet dream, dressed for a night in the club like last night, or in her cool little band t-shirt and ponytail, she’s fucking gorgeous and smells so damn sweet. I haven’t smelled anything as good as she smells since the dead rose. One minute she’s flirting and the next she gets all awkward about it and tries to cover it up. So far, she’s completely adorable. That’s not even taking into account how hot her badass moves are. I have no doubt that the knife landed exactly where she wanted it to, missing Dev’s fingers by an inch.

  Everything she’s done since we met last night has been to help us. Her disarming me probably saved me from a bullet to the head from one of their snipers and then with a few taps to her phone, she redirected the horde we’ve been running from for a week. She gave us a safe place to sleep, fed us fresh eggs and ham, fucking eggs! I haven’t had eggs since this all started almost two years ago. Even now she is giving away precious medical supplies to help a stranger and telling us where to find supplies. Fuck, all of us are strangers to her. We could have been slime who would try to hurt her but she gave us the benefit of the doubt right off the bat. Fucking Dev and the chip on his shoulder and mounds of baggage. I could give her a pile of reasons for him being the way he is but he’s been a dick to her from the first moment so why would she even care?

  Now, here’s this sweet, gorgeous woman with tears in her eyes, one sliding down her perfect cheek, and any moment she’s going to put a bullet in my best friend's head. I almost lunge forward and grab her when Dev reaches out and lifts her gun up to place the barrel against his forehead.

  “Go ahead. I deserve it, trust me. Just let my friends stay, please.” He tells her and I hear the pain he lives with constantly in every word. I also see all the blood drain from Kelsey’s face and her hand start to shake and then - then the girl with all the cool battle moves drops her fucking gun and clasps both of her hands on either side of Dev’s face and she leans into him as more tears spill down her face.

  “Don’t do that! Don’t you ever fucking do that again!” She tells him in the most broken voice I’ve ever heard from anyone.

  She grips his cheeks for a moment longer while staring into his eyes and then just like a switch is thrown, her hands fly off his face and out and she stumbles back. Wide, grey, panic-filled eyes flash my way and then she’s darting past Dev and running away. I think I hear her call out for someone named Tara but she disappears around the far corner.

  “What the fuck just happened?” Gray asks as he moves toward us.

  “Dev happened, that’s what,” Oliver answers him in his calm, cool voice.

  Dev is still on his knees where she left him. His gaze is fixed straight ahead but I can see the shattered look in his eyes. Kelsey has no way of knowing this but she just reached out and touched a part of Dev that none of us has ever been able to reach since this all began. I feel for him. I really, really do - but goddamn it! So I do what he’d do to me if our roles were reversed. I haul him to his feet and plant my fist in his face, sending him back down to the ground. Turning away from him I meet Oliver’s eyes and he gives me a cool nod of approval. Gray throws his hands up in the air.

  “What the fuck do we do now?”

  I kneel down, pick up Kelsey’s gun and knife, add them to the bag with ours, and then drop the whole thing into her little wagon and settle down on the grass.

  “Now we wait for her to come back or whoever they send to deal with us. And nobody touches that fucking bag again until they say we can.”

  Kelsey

  The minute I’m around the corner and out of sight from them I crash down and lean against the fence, jamming my fists against my mouth to keep the sobs in that want to break free. I pull my knees up close to my chest as tight as possible and try to ride out the panic attack washing through me. I can’t, can’t, can’t … the barrel against his head. The look in his eyes asking me to end him. It’s like I’m trapped in the horror movie version of Groundhog Day where the same damn thing keeps happening and I can’t, I can’t … breathe.

  Tara shows up kneeling in front of me, puts her hands on my knees, and just stares at me with understanding and compassion. It’s the same look as was on her face … before. I claw at my face not wanting, not able to go there again but then drop them and hiss, “This is your fault! You did this. You broke me.”

  She nods her head in agreement. “I did. You already know how sorry I am for it. But that’s yesterday’s news. What are you going to do with today’s?”

  I just glare at her and then swipe away the stupid tears and then lift my shirt to dry my face.

  “What the fuck do you think I’m going to do? I’m going to pull my panties up and go lead them to the gate to get rid of them. End of story.”

  She hits me with that you’re an idiot look again. “We both know that would be a mistake. Kells, you need them.”

  I jerkily shake my head. “That guy, Devin …”

  She interrupts me. “Is like you except without the tits! He just lashes out instead of internalizing his pain like you do.” When I turn my head away from her in defiance, she sighs. “He just asked you to shoot him in the head so his friends could stay and be safe. If you actually thought he was a threat you would have done it. History proves that to be true.”

  My head whips back to face her and I snarl. “Go to hell, you fucking bitch!”

  She throws her head back and laughs and just like that my anger melts away like magic. I can’t help it, one of my favorite things about my bestie was her laugh. It’s so fucking contagious and real that anyone hearing it couldn’t help but smile. We once took a girl’s trip to Vegas and she watched a comedy movie on the plane with headphones on. She laughed so loud throughout it that, no lie, three other passengers stopped her as we deplaned and told her that listening to her laugh made it the best plane ride they had ever taken. They said she made them smile for the whole trip.

  She focuses back on me and shakes her head with a teasing expression, reaches up, and pretends to polish an imaginary halo. “Dude, we both know I’m not in hell or going to hell. The Devil couldn’t handle my shit so he kicked me out.”

  My lips tremble. “God, Tara, I miss you so fucking much,” I tell her in a sad, broken tone.

  Her expression fills with love and her hands come back to my knees.

  “I know, babe. That’s why I’m still here and I’ll stay as long as you need me but you need to pack this shit up and go start making moves for your future. It’s time. It’s long past time.”

  I blink back the last of my tears, smooth my hair back and tighten my ponytail and then nod as I release a shaky breath. I climb to my feet and Tara steps back as a devious grin crosses her face.

  “Oh, and I call dibs on Grayson. I want to lick those dimples when he smiles.”

  I roll my eyes at her as I straighten my clothes and brush the grass from them.

  “Ryan’s totally going to punish you for that.”

  She bounces on her feet and gives me a toothy smile. “Ooooh, I sure as fuck hope so. You know how much I like it when he spanks me!”

  I choke out a laugh. “God, Tara! TMI, girl!”

  She wiggles her eyebrows at me and waves me towards the corner of the fence back toward where I left the guys and sings, “Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.”

  One more deep breath and I march back around the corner and head back down the path to them. They all scramble to their feet when they see me coming, even the injur
ed Gavin. I’m still having a hard time meeting any of their gazes so instead I take in the empty food containers and dirty plates and forks that have been cleaned up and placed in the wagon. Next to them is the bag of guns and I can’t help but count to make sure they’re all there. The count is right but I frown when I see my own fully loaded gun and knife in the bag too. Fuck. That could have gone badly considering my weapon was the only one still loaded with bullets. I reach down and grab it and my knife, holstering both of them before lifting my eyes to take them all in. Linc studies my expression cautiously and says my name but Devin cuts him off.

  “I’m sorry. I know I blew it when I reached for our guns but please believe me when I tell you it wasn’t to use them against you.” He throws a hand through his long hair in frustration or nerves as I keep quiet, waiting to see how this plays out.

  “Being out here, with the dead? Not having a weapon makes my skin crawl. It makes me feel … weak. I promise it was only to feel protected against the dead - not to be used as a threat to you and your people.”

  His eyes dart to Linc and the others and they harden in resolve before coming back to land on me. “If you let me leave, you will never see me again. I give you my word on that but please, let my friends stay and join your community. They’ll work their asses off to contribute and be a real asset to your group.”

  I don’t even have time to answer that before Linc is shaking his head and stepping forward.

  “No. We all stay or we all go. I’m not losing you, Dev, so shut up.”

  Grayson and Oliver also step forward both shaking their heads.

  “Shut up, dumbass. We’re a package deal.” Gray says.

  “Family sticks together.” Oliver simply says.

  I look at a woozy, swaying Gavin but he shrugs. “I’m just along for the ride.” That makes sense. He doesn’t even really know these guys.

  I turn my gaze back to Devin as I think. I haven’t even offered to let them stay in the first place but their loyalty to him has to mean they’re good men, right? Please, please let my gut instincts be right about them. I break my stare with Devin and reach down to grab the bag of guns from the wagon and hold it out to him. When he makes no move to take it, I drop it at his feet and glance to the others.

  “Please grab your packs and weapons and follow me. I’ll show you the way.” I tell them and then quickly look away while picking up the handle for the wagon and pull it a few feet down the path before stopping and waiting for them. I keep my back turned but hear Devin curse softly under his breath and then rustling fabric as they load up their gear.

  I sense rather than see one of them move up behind me and it’s confirmed by Linc’s low, smooth voice.

  “I just want to thank you for the help you gave us. We all appreciate the food and safety as well as the tip on the wilderness lodge. Maybe once we are settled, our two groups could work out a trade deal of some kind.” I don’t say anything or move so he sighs. “It was really nice to meet you, Kelsey. I sincerely hope I will get to see you again someday.”

  My shoulders ache with tension as I hold myself stiffly and when I hear the other’s steps I start walking, pulling the wagon as I lead them back down the path and around the corner to where I met them last night. I listen carefully, waiting for the click of a safety being released or a bullet being chambered because the final - final test is in play. If they’re going to move against me it will be now while they think I’m expelling them back out to the dead. We pass at least three other ivy hidden gates that would open for me but I keep going, wanting to give them the time if they are going to try something. By the time we reach the gate I came through last night I've nearly chewed through my bottom lip as my anxiety climbs. I come to a stop and slowly turn to face them - meeting each of their gazes.

  Linc’s expression screams disappointment and a little bit of helplessness like he’s not used to being unable to fix a situation. Grayson just hits me with a wistful smile and a touch of regret. Oliver’s is filled with understanding and he gives me another of those cautious, calm nods. Finally, Devin. I catch a flash of what I think is shame before his icy blues slide away and his face goes blank. I keep my eyes on him as my hand reaches out and pushes the inner fence gate open - exposing my home - because the stay team has won the game in overtime by the ref’s call. That’s me, I’m the ref and he needs to know this is a second chance. I hear the quick intake of breath when the others figure out that I’m letting them stay but keep watching Devin as his head swings back to me, then the gate, and then back to me. I see his throat working as he swallows down whatever he’s feeling and finally as he sees the warning in my eyes and tilts his head ever so slightly in acknowledgment. This is a second chance my eyes tell him. Don’t fuck it up.

  I finally tear my eyes from him and wave toward the gate telling them all that they can come in. My stomach swims with nerves. This is either going to give me a new, brighter future or I’ve completely misjudged them and I’ll be dead in the next few days. I don’t know which one scares me more.

  Linc

  I’m a grown-ass man and like the others have been through the worst shit the world could throw at us for the last few years but right now … right now I want to weep in relief and gratitude. I’m so fucking tired. Not just from the last week of running but everything that came before that. Just staying alive, keeping my brothers alive and everything that goes into that has been a constant battle from day one and it’s whittled away at me until I feel like I’m hanging on by a splinter. She’s letting us stay. Even if it’s just a patch of dirt I can lay my head safely on behind these fences, it will be such a relief. The fact that I get to spend a little more time with this intriguing woman and possibly eat more eggs is like winning the fucking life lottery. I don’t even know what kind of community this is or what the other people are like and it doesn’t even matter. To be safe, to sleep safely through the night will be worth it.

  My throat is choked up with all I want to say to her in thanks but instead of embarrassing myself, I just nod and hope she can read all I’m feeling in my expression as I step through into her home. There’s a wall of young corn stalks in front of me blocking my view of the rest of the place so I quickly move to the side to let the others come through. Oliver goes straight to the corn and runs his hand lovingly over some of the stalks, making them sway, a bemused smile on his face. He took it as a personal affront when the corn crop we tried to grow last summer failed. The gate clinking closed behind us has me looking at Kelsey. She gives me a tight smile before moving to the left between the fence and the corn so we all follow her. She’s nervous about this. Maybe even second-guessing the decision to let us stay. I get it. Trust of strangers is almost impossible in this world now. Our group has been burned a few times. Once almost bad enough to tear us all apart for good. I vow to myself that I will make sure none of us makes her or her people regret letting us in. As we follow along, I wonder if she’s the leader of the group like I am or if they chose her to deal with us because she’s so beautiful and they thought we’d let our guard down with her. It would be a smart move on their part, especially as she clearly can defend herself if we were the types of men to put a woman in danger. I guess I’ll find out soon enough as we’ve come to the end of the corn and she hangs a right, disappearing from view.

  As I make the turn the view opens up and I see acres of gardens and crops spread out in front of us with a few structures at the far end against a huge rock face. Kelsey is getting ahead of us but I can’t help but take my time as my eyes soak in all the food growing safely behind her fences. Oliver is in awe and he bumps into my shoulder as he passes me with his head on a swivel as he takes it all in mumbling, “Amazing. Simply amazing,” over and over again. Gray moves around me to help Gavin, who’s barely staying on his feet, so I step forward to take the guy’s other arm. Dev stops me with a hand on my arm and tilts his head back toward the fence, motioning further down. I look that way and see a low guard tower twenty feet away that o
nly goes a few feet in height above the fence. What’s weird about it though is that it’s empty. I turn away and scan the fields, looking for people working and find none.

  “Where is everyone?” Dev asks me under his breath.

  I frown and shake my head. “Maybe they’re waiting for us wherever she’s leading us to,” I tell him.

  He looks around suspiciously. “I think this is a test. I think she might have been testing us all along.”

  Anger flares up in me. “So what if she fucking was? They don’t know us. She doesn’t know us. It’s their right to test us for a fucking month if they want to before letting us share what’s here. I swear to fucking God, Dev - if you screw this up again with your bullshit attitude I won’t just punch you again. I’ll beat you fucking half to death and leave you for the dead. You’re my brother and I love you but there will come a point that I’ll have to do what’s best for the group and if that means we part ways, then we part ways. Don’t force my hand. We’ve come too far together for it to end like that.”

  He stares me down with furious eyes for a few seconds but he’s the first one to look away and then gives me a curt nod. I clasp his shoulder and give it a squeeze.

  “Brother, just try and have an open mind here and watch your tone with these people until we can get the lay of the land. Act like the fucking guests we are. Please?”

  His eyes track over the crops once more before he nods, a little softer this time, so I clap him on the arm again and move to catch up with the others. I slide under Gavin’s right arm and help Gray move him along a little faster. We’ve made it about halfway through the gardens and I’ve still seen no people but I can now make out that the structures are three huge ass RV’s and I think the one on the end is one of those monster motorhomes that cost almost as much as a starter home. There’s what looks like a massive canopy hanging above them and I can’t even imagine how much work that took to get into place. Gray grunts to get my attention and I follow his finger to the left and see what I think is at least a hundred solar panels grouped together. There is a small structure or building of some type near the end of the rows that is probably the power house. All this food and electricity too? Damn, all I need now is Kelsey to flirt with me again and I’ll have died and gone to heaven.